talking to myself
career/suicide
I guess my loneliness is noticeable because people keep giving me advice on how to “get out there!”
Is it pathetic or healthy that I’m open to suggestions?
I’m a writer. And lately that’s felt like less of an identity, and more like a shackle; keeping me trapped in never making quite enough money.
Always dependent, begging for scraps.
I’d hate this vocation if I didn’t also believe that I have something important to say.
If I could just…put that into words in a more timely fashion.
Even when I do everything right, there’s still this void.
I felt the depression creeping in, but it’s time I admit that it’s already here.
Recently I talked to two college English professors, and asked them for advice on making academia my career. They were honest. It’ll be a long, and usually underpaid road. And I think I can deal with that. I don’t want my life to be about the accumulation of nice things.
They spent less time discussing the loneliness, which has been the main thing on my mind lately. While I was in Ireland, one of my professors mentioned multiple times how I’d be a good writer because I was good at noticing things.
Subsequently, I noticed the subtext of that statement: I’m good at noticing because I’m never involved.
I stay on the periphery. I stay quiet. I stay largely invisible. And when I do speak, it always seems to be the wrong thing.
Over text, I’m funny, and smart, and calculated.
But that inner voice goes silent when I have to speak in-person.
I end up begging people to read my work, because if they just read my words- they’d understand. (that’s probably a fallacy, but one I need to believe in.)
How do I connect those strings from my brain to my mouth? How do I turn down the anxiety dial enough to speak? How do I find people who are willing to listen?
